Canon fodder: back story and missing scenes

I have this habit of making up characters’ back story or motivation in my head, and then watching their shows with that filter in place. I can’t help it. It sticks. A great example of viewers who have done this in the past would be X-Files Mulder/Scully ‘shippers who speculated that the duo canoodled in the elevator scene in “Paper Clip” during season three. It was completely plausible; we just never saw it!

Here are five similar scenarios that I have lodged in my noggin:

-ABC

1. GH’s Jax and Carly are Morgan’s biological parents; they just don’t remember, or refuse to acknowledge, the possibility. It’s totally feasible, since the 2003 scene in which Carly went to tell Jax she saw Brenda and Sonny kissing on the pier was never shown. All we know is that Carly was later drugged by Faith Rosco’s stooge and woke up in bed with Ric. Who’s to say that she and Jax didn’t get totally plastered and have a little revenge sex they never talk about?

2. Y&R’s Rafe puts up with Billy’s shenanigans because they’ve slept together. Rafe and Billy have a great friendship, proving that a gay guy and a straight guy can be BFFs. But I can’t help it: Considering what a manwhore Billy is, I just picture them drinking a lot of Jaeger their junior year in college and experimenting a little. Billy sleeps with everything that moves, and I think Rafe wouldn’t judge if he wanted to give it a try! And it was years ago, they’ve both gotten past it, but it’s always there as this thing that keeps Rafe loyal to his baby-buying train wreck of a pal.

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Mala’s Port Charles Perfect 10

General Hospital recently experienced a shift in writing regimes, wherein longtime head writer Robert Guza, Jr. was replaced by former breakdown writer and ex-associate head writer Garin Wolf. This led to my friend Elizabeth  Kerri Mahon (you can read her thoughts here) and I spending a few hours brainstorming what we’d like to see in the coming year. I’m sure I’m not the only soap fan who has played a game of “if I was in charge,” right? I mean, I’ve had some of these wishes and story ideas knocking around in my head for years.

So, without further ado, I give you my Port Charles Perfect 10.

-ABC

1) After Siobhan and Matt are (regretfully!) sent off the canvas, Lucky ends up in a triangle with Maxie and Elizabeth. This light tale (with an undercurrent of their complicated histories) plays out, in classic Shakespearean style, with a wedding at the end of it!

2) Jason incurs another head injury, which causes his memory of being Jason Quartermaine to flood back to him. As he grapples with that boy he used to be and grieves for the relatives he’s lost in the past decade, he has to reconcile Jason Q with the man he’s become. This brings him back to Edward and ELQ. A pleased but somewhat threatened Tracy has Dillon move back to town to try and unseat Jason as Edward’s heir.

3) Audrey is released from off-screen baby-sitting duty and sent to her Eternal Reward, which leads to a huge memorial and tribute to Steve and Audrey at the hospital. Returnees for the somber but nostalgic occasion include: Tom and Simone Hardy, Tommy Hardy, Scott Baldwin, Lee and Gail Baldwin, Serena Baldwin, Sarah Webber, and Jeff Webber and his unnamed wife. There are tears, flashbacks galore, and maybe a few surprise romances that crop up with the younger guests and established Port Charles young’uns.

3.5) Part and parcel of the Audrey March Hardy memorial would be one last Nurses’ Ball bash, hosted by the one-and-only Lucy Coe. She would, of course, end up in her underwear…much to the amusement of her long-suffering Doc, Kevin.

4) Richard Dean Anderson returns as Jeff for a guest arc during the memorial. Elizabeth finally confronts her absentee father for missing weddings and funerals, and gets to the root of why she’s so needy when it comes to having a male figure in her life.

5) Helena kicks off one grand, twisted scheme that involves both Stavros and Stefan still being alive, the return of Nikolas, the mystery of who fathered Sam with Alexis, and Laura coming back to give Luke what-for. This arc would also include a retcon of the Ethan retcon, and we would learn that Ethan is really Holly and Robert‘s son from when Holly was in a coma.

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Soap Opera Weekly: Blogging With Mala

I think I’d rather go over my skin with a cheese grater than sit through another gratuitously exploitative rape storyline on daytime. It’d be less painful. This morning, before the DAYS rerun on SOAPnet, I rewatched the tail end of GH. After again experiencing the scenes where Michael initially revealed to Jason that he’d been raped, I was ready to crawl under my desk and cry for an hour rather than attending to my job duties. And my colleague Joe helpfully reminded me that this was just the tip of the rape-y iceberg: We have the Jason/Michael fallout scenes ahead of us today, and Michael still has to repeat the entire story to Carly and Sonny.

After Michael was attacked by Carter last year, I wrote up a pretty blistering blog entry. “Is there a key rape-story fan demographic out there that I’m missing?” I wondered on May 25. “Do focus groups go, ‘Hey, you know what I’d like on my soaps? More rape!’?”

I generally appreciate that soaps feature both outlandish, fun plots and stories involving social commentary, but I am seriously so done with being traumatized by what I watch.

So, yeah, please hand me a cheese grater.

 

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com

Soap Opera Weekly: Blogging With Mala

Riddle me this: Why isn’t GH’s new pediatrician, Terrell Jackson, Tommy Hardy? If you’re going to add someone to an already burgeoning cast, why not at least tie them to the show’s history and its founding family?

Think about it…Lisa bringing Terrell to town to mess with Robin would be even more viable if he was Tom and Simone’s son all grown up. Steve and Elizabeth wouldn’t question their cousin coming to work at GH, and drafting him into immediate action during the bus crash fallout would have made even more sense! “Oh, hey, cuz! Sure, get to work!” And as Lisa’s Evil Plot (whatever it may be) unfolds, we could see Tommy increasingly conflicted between his loyalty to an old friend and his loyalty to the hospital community his family is such a big part of. And then we’d have a Drake/Scorpio/Hardy love triangle, as Patrick is inspired to fight for Robin’s heart. The very idea kind of makes me swoony. It’s such a missed opportunity!

 

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com

Soap Opera Weekly: Blogging With Mala

“Is it bad that I assume everyone gets killed on GH?” I asked my Twitter followers today. So, with major apologies to Edward Gorey and his famous Gashlycrumb Tinies, I simply cannot resist a tongue-in-cheek send-up of the show’s death toll in recent years.

A is for AJ, who caught so much flack
B stands for Brian, shot in the back
C is for Cooper, strung up as a lie
D is for Diego, who was hung out to dry
E is for Emily, who went “gurgle, thump”
F is for Faith, erased by Durant’s chump
G is for Georgie, who choked out her last breath
H is for Hernando, whom Sonny gifted with death
I is for Ian, whom Jason put down.
J is for Jesse, taken out by a clown.
K is for Kiefer, slayed by a former D.A.
L is for Luis, who died in a similar way
M is for Manny, who fell off a roof
N is for Nico — don’t ask me for proof
O is for Ronan O’Reilly, crushed on the pitch
P heralds Port Charles, where life’s always a bitch
Q is for Quartermaines, whittled to bone
R is for Reese, who died all alone
S is for Stefan and Stavros, who Cassa-died
T is for Tony, thanks to antiviruses untried
U celebrates Useless Dayplayers left to expire
V is for Violence, which GH should retire!
W is for Warren, brought down by Mac
X marks the spot for Mister John Jacks
Y Claudia got whacked was Michael’s big fail
Z is for Zander, cut down in a hail!

 

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com

Soap Opera Weekly: Blogging With Mala

Okay, GH, ya got me. Cue the obligatory asthmatic wheezing and choked sobs — all because of Stone and Robin! I let Lucky’s Grand Irish Adventure (now with added Dante and Lulu!) wash right past me with only a passing thought to how badly I want to set Siobhan’s hat on fire. I shrugged off Spinelli and his new, but predictably annoying, obsession with Brenda. I barely even blinked at Molly rehashing Sonny and Claire (do we really need to hear about “Scaire” at length?) Honest to God, you could’ve had a shoot-out in the middle of the episode and I would not have cared, because Kimberly McCullough (Robin) and Michael Sutton (Stone) are just as magical today as they were 15 years ago.

I’m Robin’s age, so I’ve grown up with her, been there for her every milestone. Her love story with Stone is one that affects me to this very day. I remember buying Robin’s Diary, the tie-in (and I still have it!). I sobbed my way through the entire AIDS arc. And oh, my God, I hated Robin and Jason with a fiery passion, because he wasn’t Stone, and it just wasn’t fair that Stone was dead. So all it took was Stone showing up in the well at the tail-end of yesterday’s episode, and I was sold. He could’ve read the phone book to Robin and I would’ve been okay with it. Fortunately, we got a little more than the phone book. We got to watch them reminisce about their good times and bad, and Stone (or Robin’s subconscious rendering of him) pointed out how Robin had romanticized their relationship because it ended so swiftly and cruelly. The thing is…? I don’t see anything wrong with that. As much as Stone might be right that Robin kept part of her heart distant from Patrick…so what? He was her first love, and I don’t think Robin is some sort of sad sack loser just because she dusts off her old diary and reads it sometimes.

It was an interesting, and heartfelt, sequence that gave me a lot to think about. Because I adore Patrick and Robin together, too, and want them to work things out…for Emma’s sake, if nothing else. Yet, there’s no denying that Robin and Stone have something timeless. All this time, Patrick has felt like he’s competing with Stone’s ghost. And having seen Stone’s ghost…well, it’s clear that Dr. Feelgood’s right to be worried! When Stone kissed Robin’s hands, I got chills, and I can’t help but wonder what they would’ve been like as adult lovers…if GH would’ve mucked them up like they did their other teen pair, Lucky and Elizabeth. They probably would have, right? But as Stone and Robin showed us, getting too mired in the “what if”s can keep you from living in the here and now. Since Robin emerged from the scenes determined to get back to her adorable daughter, Emma, I guess all I can say…”All’s well that ends well.”

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com

Soap Opera Weekly: Blogging With Mala

Is the Daytime Emmy Awards broadcast already upon us Gasp! That means it’s time for my 3rd Annual Mala’s Made-Up Awards. For those just tuning in to my blog, this is where I totally punk out of making Emmy predictions, because I have no ability to pick winners! Making up awards instead is much more up my alley! (Check Aug. 28, 2009, for last year’s, and June 20 for 2008’s!) 

Most Entertaining Show: B&B and DAYS.
Best Surprise Couple: ATWT’s Barbara and Henry, B&B’s Stephen and Pam, and DAYS’ Victor and Maggie.
Best Couple That The Show Reaaaally Wants Us To Like: GH’s Dante and Lulu.
Best New Character: ATWT’s Reid Oliver (like I was going to say anything else?).
Best New Character Played By a Soap Vet: Dahlia Salem as GH’s Claire.
Best Recast:Marcy Rylan as Y&R’s nuAbby.
Guest Appearance I Will Never Get Tired Of: Snoop Dogg being on OLTL.
You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby: GH’s Ethan. Yes, I actually like him now. Don’t die of shock!
I Think I’m a Clone Now: ATWT’s Gabriel and AMC’s Damon. Seriously, they’re the same character…with the same hair!
Best Love Scene: OLTL’s Kyle and Fish’s New Year’s Eve fireworks!
Most Trauma-inducing Love Scene: B&B’s Oliver and Brooke.
Most Memorable Line of the Year: B&B’s Stephanie and, “Say hello to Beth for me!”
Biggest Jerkface: OLTL’s Ford.
The Miranda Montgomery Cutest Baby Award: DAYS’ Sydney.
Biggest Waste of Potential: OLTL’s Schuyler being made Roxy’s son and then being shipped off canvas!
Best Realization of Potential:Lexi Ainsworth as GH’s Kristina. She has really come into her own.
Most Froth-inducing Storyline: GH’s Sonny shooting an unarmed Dante in the chest, GH’s Michael getting maybe-or-maybe-not-raped in prison.
Best Social Issue Storyline: B&B’s Sandy/Aggie’s rape reveal.
The Paging-Clone-Reva WTH?! Award: ATWT’s Mick Dante.
I Would Watch It On a Loop: OLTL’s Kyle or Fish holding baby Sierra Mist.
Most Missed Veteran: AMC’s David Canary (Adam).
The Chester-the-Molester Skeevy Pairing Award: OLTL’s Langston and Ford.
The Dorian Gray Portrait-in-the-Attic Award: GH’s Jonathan Jackson (Lucky).
The I Want To Give Brody Lovett An Award Award: OLTL’s Brody.
Best Use of History: ATWT’s Bob and Kim’s non-iversary/remarriage, DAYS’ Alice’s death arc and all the family returns during it.
Worst Rewrite of History: ATWT’s Lily, Lucinda and Sierra keeping Craig’s illegitimate son, Gabriel, from him.
Best Death: B&B’s Ann. It was Betty White, dude. Come on.
Worst Death: AS THE WORLD TURNS. Duh.
Best Return: ATWT’s Simon coming back to comfort Katie. (Come baaaaaack, Simon!)
Most Unsurprising Return: Y&R’s Adam.
Worst Return: OLTL’s Mitch Laurence.
Biggest Unsolved Mysteries: Why no one runs into OLTL’s Kyle or Fish at Llanview’s hospital or police station, where ATWT’s Jade has disappeared to and why B&B’s Brooke doesn’t know Ridge’s body intimately after all this time.

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com