Eight Things You May Not Know About Paul Ryan

Mitt Romney’s running mate for the 2012 Presidential election has QUITE the checkered past. How in the world did he get vetted?

1. As a teen, he lost his virginity to his father’s former mistress. Admittedly, they’re happily married now, but that’s a rather questionable start to a romance, wouldn’t you say?

2. From 1986 to 1991, he looked like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. His father is an internationally wanted criminal and also Swedish royalty. It is entirely possible Ryan himself is not an American citizen. Has anyone seen his long form birth certificate?

4. He’s been married five times, presumed dead at least twice and also kidnapped his infant daughter, Eliza.

5. Dead girl. Rose garden. You do the math.

5a. Dead girl named Rose. You do the math.

6. Ryan briefly had a microchip implanted in his brain, which controlled his behavior. He has also suffered from amnesia.

7. Ryan’s mother, designer Barbara Ryan, is married to his half-brother, Henry Coleman.

8. Ryan bears a startling resemblance to Pennsylvania newspaper magnate and ex-con Todd Manning:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is this a man we want in the White House?

 

(Compared to the real Paul Ryan? ABSO-frickin-LUTELY.)

 

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