Payback’s a beach

I came back from Puerto Rico yesterday and I’m already immersed fully in the world of work and New York City’s daily grind. It probably helps that the whole time I was away, part of me just couldn’t unwind. I don’t know why I expected I’d be totally relaxed…I think I’m probably incapable of it. Even surrounded by sun and sand, my brain was going a million miles per hour. I questioned everything I did, everything I said, was constantly worrying. (Yes, I’m fully aware that I have an anxiety disorder.) And, yet, I did take the time to enjoy meals, to marvel at the sky, and be soothed by the sound of the ocean.

Part of me longs to live somewhere so warm and sunny and uncomplicated. Where my friend lives, in Isabela, reminded me of parts of Kolkata. The buildings, the greenery…all of it screamed “home.” But my head still longs for sensory overload…to be so full of too many things to think about that one or two things can’t obsessively occupy my thoughts.

I’m basically allergic to heat and sun now. I get sick within ten minutes of being in direct sunlight with summer temperatures, and I ended up hiding indoors for a huge portion of the weekend. Like my body was telling me that I’m meant to be a citified office-dweller. Okay, either that or it’s telling me I’m a vampire.

But not being able to really detach and get away…? That bites!

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