Have you ever stopped to think how odd it sometimes is to watch soaps for a living? For one thing, I can’t get into an elevator without thinking it’s going to stall and someone’s going to go into labor. (And one of our elevators here actually does hiccup; it freaks me out every time!) But then, consider the love scenes! You know how people on the ‘Net warn if a link or a photo is “NSFW” (Not Safe For Work)? I mean, many soap love scenes aren’t exactly SFW, are they? Even when you work at a soap magazine! LOL!

Yesterday morning (we just “sprang forward,” so 12:30 IS still morning for me), I was having a quick bite at my desk while watching YOUNG AND RESTLESS when Nick and Phyllis got all hot and lathered up in the shower — complete with slamming against flat surfaces. ACK! MUST we have all that wet flesh flailing about? Give a gal a “Caution: May Require the Heimlich” warning!

And putting aside the fact that I almost choked on my sandwich, there are just some things that are mighty awkward to watch in an office setting. There are people in other offices and cubicles nearby. It’s broad daylight, I have ridiculously bright fluorescent lights in my office, and anybody could walk by and hear the porntastic sax music and see the characters getting groin-y on my TV screen. Like, people from other magazines and the mailroom guys and bigwigs from corporate headquarters. You gotta admit that would be more than a little awkward. “No, no, I swear, this is all for work!” “Suuuuuure.”

As such, here’s a bit of wishful thinking on my part…

Mala’s Five Rules for Soap Love Scenes
1. When in doubt, go with the Fade to Black; it never goes out of style.
2. Please, for the love of Pete, do not flash anyone’s bare thigh. In fact, consider anything below the chest and above the knee verboten!
3. When kissing, please refrain from the Aliens face-hugger technique.
4. Once in bed, limit things to generic rolling around. Hip thrusts are a bit much in the afternoon.
5. No ‘O’ Faces. No. No. No.

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com