Tonight is the 35th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards bash in Los Angeles, and I’m not even going to attempt to make predictions. Trust me, I’m bad at it. You should’ve seen how far my jaw dropped back in 2005, when I was sitting in the press room at the New York fete (come baaaack here, Emmys, come baaaaack!). Pretty much everyone who was announced had me going, “Wait, WHAT?” Mala, meet Left Field. 

As an alternative, I offer up completely manufactured awards courtesy of yours truly. They required no predicting whatsoever and are all in good fun. 

Most Entertaining Show: DAYS. 
Show With the Best Guest Stars: OLTL. Between Snoop Dogg and Nathan “Captain Tightpants” Fillion coming back as Joey, I’m sold. 
Best Breakup: Y&R’s Nick and Victoria cutting ties with Big Daddy Victor. 
Dopiest Breakup: (a tie) ATWT’s Carly and Jack and GL’s Bill and Lizzie. 
Best Love Scene: GH’s Jerry and Alexis (Because there wasn’t one and I’m a giant prude!). 
Most Trauma-inducing Love Scene: B&B’s Rick and Taylor (There was bare thigh! Ack!). 
Biggest Jerkface: OLTL’s Todd. 
The Miranda Montgomery Cutest Baby Award: (a tie) GL’s Sarah and B&B’s Jack. 
Most Wasted Potential: GH: NIGHT SHIFT’s Cody and Lainey. 
Most Froth-inducing Storyline: (a tie) The Ameera arc on ATWT and Nick throwing dying Katie a prom on B&B. 
Character Who Could Throw Me a Prom Without Me Frothing: AMC’s Adam. (Y’all thought I would say GH’s Jerry or DAYS’ Philip, didn’t you?) 
The Ric Lansing “What Panic Room?” Insta-Redemption Award: DAYS’ EJ. 
The Flowers in the Attic Award: GH’s Johnny and Claudia. 
The Chester-the-Molester Skeevy Pairing Award: DAYS’ Daniel and Chelsea. 
Best Impersonation of a Cartoon Heroine: ATWT’s Justine Cotsonas (Sofie), for her rendering of Snow White (albeit before Sofie went crazy). 
Best Impersonation of a Cartoon Villain: Y&R’s Judith Chapman (Gloria), for her divine channeling of Cruella DeVille. 
Most Missed Veteran: Drake Hogestyn’s eyebrow. (I love RoboJohn, but that eyebrow is classic.) 
The Dorian Gray Portrait-in-the-Attic Award: Billy Warlock. (The man never ages…and someone get him back on a soap!) 
Best Death Scene: GH’s Emily. (*gurgle-thump*!) 
Worst Death Scene: GH’s Georgie. (Splayed out the park steps? That was repulsive.) 
Biggest Unsolved Mystery: (a tie) ‘How does DAYS’ Philip manage his prosthetic during love scenes?’ and ‘What the heck are IN Sonny and Jason’s shipments on GH?’

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com