So, I have crazy, depressing moral issues about THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL’s Storm shooting himself and Katie getting his heart. But rather than frothing at the mouth about that (it’s kind of like getting me on the subject of ATWT’s Ameera), I’d like to touch upon LESS froth-inducing issues.

To set the scene, here’s an excerpt from an e-mail exchange with my colleague Joe Dilberto from a few weeks back:

Me: OMG. B&B’s Thorne just leaned his head against Felicia’s They’resoinlove. 
Joe: Who are the steamier siblings: Thorne/Felicia or GH’s Johnny/Claudia? 
Me: I think Johnny and Claudia simply by virtue of the fact that more airtime is spent on them touching inappropriately.

I’m serious, folks, what is up with the Zaccharas? Maybe it’s just me, coming from a not-so touchy-feely family, but are they all up on each other or what? Personal bubble, people! Personal bubble! This week, when they reunited on the docks after Claudia was playing Little House in the Big Woods with Jason, it was practically like John and Marlena reuniting on the docks on DAYS. So much passion! So much emotion! But yet so much ICK. I was seriously waiting for them to make out. Mark Teschner, casting director at GH, is probably torn between patting himself on the back and kicking himself, because Brandon Barash (Johnny) and Sarah Brown (Claudia) are so electric together.

Or you could just accuse of me reading too much V.C. Andrews as a kid. You wouldn’t be wrong!

Now for e-mail exchange #2, from a few days ago:

Me: What kind of girl turns down ATWT’s Aaron Snyder? What is wrong with Sofie? 
Joe: She has her sights set on her fath… I mean, Paul! 
Me: You know, she sleeps with “Daddy” this week. Holy Elektra complex, Batman! 
Joe: So then Paul has to gouge out his own eyes? 
Me: Wasn’t that Oedipus? And better his than mine! 
Joe: Tell me that the next time your contacts make you miserable! Wait, Paul sleeps with Meg and Sofie in the same week? 
Me: No, he doesn’t have sex with Meg! He just stalks her to the Lakeview and goes all, “Elaaaaine, Elaaaaaine!” on her door like in THE GRADUATE. 
Joe: Oh good. Because then Paul certainly would have gotten pregnant! 
Me: And then before you know it, he’s fainting and falling down a flight of stairs. 
Joe: Then cue the whole “Who’s the Mommy?” drama we’ve seen so many times…

I’m just sayin’. Why should PASSIONS have all the male pregnancy fun, right? It’s not as if Paul doesn’t already have the crazy mood swings and the swollen feet er, ego. Pregnancy is always, always used as a consequence of a woman having multiple partners on a soap but we never, ever see a man have any kind of repercussion for sleeping his way through half the town. (God forbid somebody actually get gonorrhea or herpes, right?) Moreover, guys being promiscuous, hard-drinking, train wrecks just seems to make them more attractive to soap women…and I just don’t get that. Case in point, not only did Sofie dump Aaron for Paul, but she went back to Paul after he practically shoved her, half-naked, off his couch, to go chase down Meg. She walked back into Fairwinds after hearing him flat out tell Meg that she was a mistake who meant nothing to him…and hit the couch with him again. OY. WTH, Sofie?

On second thought, Paul doesn’t need to have a baby, not when he reduces women around him to virtual two-year-olds. Next thing you know, Fairwinds will be a Daddy Day Care.

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com