You know, for a city with such a badass reputation (“New Yorkers are mean,” “New Yorkers are rude,”), New York sure is populated with a bunch of wusses. Before someone beats me with a stale bagel or run me over with the crosstown bus, lemme ‘splain.

This morning, I was watching NY1, my favorite channel EVER, and they had a whole segment on “vicious” and “huge” raccoons running around Harlem, with sound bytes from terrified residents. I am not doubting that raccoons CAN be dangerous when approached, but their mere existence? Not so horrific, folks. I guess city dwellers just aren’t used to critters that aren’t sewer rats or yippy, little dogs on a leash. As someone who grew up somewhere where raccoons getting into the trash and deer eating your flower beds was commonplace, I found the NY1 story SO hilarious. They called 311, they called the Parks Department, they called Animal Control… all of whom were pretty much like “uh, as long as the raccoons aren’t rabid, we’re not obligated to do anything.” I hope reps from all of those agencies laughed their collective asses off, because it was damn sure funny to me! The ominous reporting playing over clips of these innocuous little bandits rifling through the trash… ROTFLMAO! Maybe they should have edited the clips so Rocky Raccoon and his pals were standing too close to a three year old and looking menacing?

Then, there’s how New Yorkers get when it rains or snows. Oh my God, it’s like the End of Days! Everyone runs around all “Oh, noes! Oh, noes!” and just loses their shit. One little t-storm hits and the weathermen act like it’s going to rip the Chrysler building from its roots and send it to Oz. The subways get packed with the sodden masses, an inch of snow on the ground causes mass panic… it’s so hilarious. I always want to be like, “Chicago called, and they think you’re a bunch of pantywaists.”

And, yes, I’m one of the pantywaists, too. I hate rain and I hate vermin. (Rats and mice, that is. A raccoon would not make me flip out.) It’s just the over-the-top reaction to such mundane matters that cracks me up. New York is a bold city, a brash city, a remarkable metropolis that spits in the face of adversity… unless the adversity is inclement weather and a furry omnivore. LOL!