You know the phrase “mind the gap?” Methinks that Gap and Old Navy have taken that to mean “the gap between one’s waistband and the end of their shirt”…and decided to steadfastly ignore the advice. I was disconcerted recently when I went to buy some new blue jeans at Old Navy and discovered these cutesy new distinctions:

The Goddess – “natural-rise” (curiously UNAVAILABLE at the Old Navy stores I’ve been to.)
The Sweetheart – “classic-rise”
The Flirt – “mid-rise”
The Diva – “lowest-rise”

So, I didn’t even know that “The Goddess” existed until today, when I went to the store’s Web site for references purposes! Given that “The Goddess,” which are their high-waisted, “normal” jeans, was unavailable — meaning NOT advertised on the racks with a jaunty logo and a price tag — I bought “The Sweetheart,” thinking it was their regular style. I’m not wrong in thinking so, right? With the name “classic-rise?” Oh, but nooooo, my friends. I was sorely mistaken. I’m not saying they’re obscenely low but who’dathunkit: “Sweethearts” like you to see their belly buttons and muffin tops! While “Flirts” show you an ass crack, and “Divas”…okay, I don’t even want to KNOW what’s hanging out there. As such, I think Old Navy’s distinctions are false advertising.

I propose this replacement system:

The Sweetheart – the “you-ain’t-seeing-nothin’-till-you-buy-me-dinner-rise”
The Tease – the “my-tramp-stamp-let-me-show-you-it-rise”
The Hoochie – the “one-more-centimeter-and-you-see-more-than-my-proctologist-rise”
The Exhibitionist – the “I’m-only-wearing-these-because-the-law-won’t-let-me-be-naked-in-public-rise”

And lest we descend into the murky territory of “are you saying a woman who dresses provocatively is a slut?”… no, I’m not. I’m saying that companies like Old Navy, which are putting forth affordable, cute, clothes for the average woman, are marketing clothing in a way that’s deceptive. In a way that encourages labeling oneself according to how high your jeans fall on your hips…and does so disproportionately. I have to wonder if anyone whipped out a dictionary to actually look at the definitions of the words before they picked them.

Plus, there’s the simple fact that low-rise jeans don’t look good on…well…MOST women. We’re just not built that way! Women like me have too much in the mid-section and thinner women don’t always have the bountiful posterior to hold them up. I have three pairs, but I always, always wear a shirt that hangs below my waistband. Nobody needs to see Mala’s love handles, mmkay? So, why is “The Goddess,” so hard to find? Why is low-rise now the default style?

As one of the true poets of our time, Samwell, once asked…what what in the butt?