Take a look at ABC’s Castle, which is so determined to keep from falling victim to what many TV aficionados call “the Moonlighting curse” that it is actually creating a trap of its own…a moat, if you will. The show spent x amount of years building Kate and Rick’s affection for each other from friendship to a slow-simmering love. Now, the characters actually know that a love exists between them. Rick said the words when Kate was shot, and she remembered it! Why are we spending the entire season after that climactic reveal pretending it didn’t happen? You cannot go back to a status quo after a game-changer. It’s a bad storytelling decision, because it insults your audience’s intelligence. You’re asking them, right along with the characters, to pretend they never saw the Cupid behind the curtain…and, sorry, but once you’ve pulled the trigger on the story point, you can’t un-fire that gun.

On Gossip Girl, the showrunners aren’t trying to un-fire the gun so much as they keep clicking through the empty barrel looking for a bullet. Chuck and Blair are, arguably, the show’s signature couple. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, at this point you know they’re the end game (sorry, Dan and Blair fans; I feel your pain). They’ve had a number of different love interests, grown up and grown apart, but always seem to reunite. So why not put the characters and those watching out of their collective misery and just stop the game? There is no need to keep playing Russian roulette if they’ve said all their “I love you”s, had all their growth, and aren’t going off to fight Napoleon. On the heels of Chuck trying to become a better man for Blair and reconciling her relationship with someone else, GG now has Blair sacrificing her happiness and swearing to marry someone else in absurdist deal with God. Um, that’s not nobility on the parts of these particular characters…it’s just stupid. This is Gossip Girl, not O. Henry, and Chuck and Blair should’ve gotten all their Magi gifting out of their systems years ago.

Not so much an O. Henry as a “Hai Bhagwan!” is the split between Arnav and Khushi on the Hindi serial Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon. Though the couple is still, safely, in the pre-”I love you” stages of their story, the show is conflating heightening romantic tension with the tossing of silly, nonsensical, roadblocks into their path. Months after a number of emotionally and physically charged moments, and weeks after the departure of Arnav’s longtime girlfriend Lavanya, the duo is stuck playing childish games of one-upmanship, acting like a near-kiss and sharing of vulnerabilities didn’t occur. Much like with Castle, the writers hope viewers will just blithely go along, feigning ignorance that a shift has happened. And, again, that doesn’t work. We know they’re connected, they know, and denial doesn’t serve the narrative. Having them poke at each other like school kids only undermines the evolution of their relationship!

So, as writers, how do we gauge when distance is no longer necessary? How do you know it’s time to wrap up the first part of the journey and get your characters to the next leg?

Well, I think a good indicator is definitely when you start trumping up ludicrous scenarios to keep people on opposing sides. Petty misunderstandings, wacky one-off characters (I love you, IPKKND’s Nanda Kishore, but come on!), grossly out-of-character behavior…if you have to reach to justify why Character A and Character B aren’t united, you’re expending too much effort. That’s energy better served in telling story about them as a couple. Because being a couple — or at least getting those pesky initial “I love you”s and “I want you”s out of the way — doesn’t mean your conflict ends.

Rick and Kate will still have to contend with fighting crime while loving one another. That’s not a cakewalk. In fact, it would ramp up the tension every time they’re in danger! Gossip Girl has already proven that Chuck and Blair make a fearsome power couple when they’re at their scheming best. If they’re going to rule their circle of friends in their 30s and 40s anyway, why not have them do it now? IPKKND’s Arnav and Khushi still have myriad class issues, not to mention their opposing philosophies, to deal with. One of them admitting how they feel is only going to feed those plot points.

So, what’s the basic lesson here? Don’t starve your audience when you have a veritable feast of possibilities on your hands!

Three sips!

As an obsessed fan of Star Plus’ Iss Pyar Ko Kya Naam Doon, who devours every detail and picks up on every quirk, I couldn’t help but invent an unofficial IPKKND drinking game. How could I resist, when “Peeke”(I’ve been drinking”) is in the abbreviation?

For your own good, don’t play this with actual booze. I don’t want to be responsible for you blacking out and being rushed to the hospital. So, pour yourself some soda or mango lassi and go to town!

One sip every time…
•Khushi and Arnav stare at each other in a room full of people.
•Bua-ji says “Nanda Kisore.”
•Mami-ji says, “Hello, hi, bye-bye.”
•Lavanya calls Arnav “ASR.”
•Arnav says, “What the—?!

Two sips every time…
•the wind machine is used.
•Arnav wears his maroon leather suit.
•Khushi has a heart-to-heart with “Devi Maya” (the goddess).
•Shyam calls Anjali “Rani Sahiba.”
•we see Hariprakash (the butler/manservant).
•Arnav grabs Khushi’s wrist and drags her off somewhere.

Three sips every time…
•Akash’s father shows up.
•Mami-ji calls Payal “Khoon Bhari Tang.”
•Khushi refers to Arnav as “Lord Governor.” (Four sips if it’s to his face!)
•Arnav calls Khushi “Khushi Kumari Gupta.”
•Laxmi the goat makes an appearance.
•Arnav tells Khushi he never wants to see her/talk to her again.
•Khushi falls into Arnav’s arms.

Four sips every time…
•Khushi wears her hair down.
•Khushi stresses out and makes jalebi.
•either Khushi or Arnav are injured and one takes care of the other.
•Arnav actually apologizes for something.

Chug your drink in celebration if…
•Shyam gets hit by a lorry.
•Arnav and Khushi manage to tell each other how they feel.

Feel free to add your own rules in the comments!

There’s a certain irony to Balan putting herself out there so thoroughly, writhing for the camera as Silk shimmies her way into the South Indian cinema spotlight. In order to play Silk, Balan had to embrace the sexuality that Silk was derided for. Just as Silk’s audience is in the cheap seats, crowding the theaters for one titillating flash of her bared midriff, the real audience is leaning forward, similarly captivated by Balan’s.

(Major plot spoilers ahead.)

The tragedy of Silk is that ultimately, like so many women in the Indian film industry, she is disposable. There will always be a younger actress willing to go the extra mile. There will always be a producer with an agenda and an actor occupied with keeping the shine of his own star. Heroes can get older — a trope that’s played to the comedic hilt by veteran character actor Naseeruddin Shah (Monsoon Wedding) — but heroines have a sell-by date. Particularly if they are, as Silk is, the vamp, the vixen, the item girl. The sexual tease is a momentary high, and Silk falls victim to the fact that what men want in the bedroom — or for two minutes on their cinema hall screen — is seldom what they crave anywhere else. She also falls victim to her own hubris.

The film’s breakout song “Ooh La La,” which spoofs classic ’80s musical numbers with spot-on accuracy, is used to reinforce the theme of Silk being a man’s dirty little secret… as she beguiles first Shah’s Suryakant and then his weak-willed brother Ramakant (Tusshar Kapoor). It’s like she’s a wild desi Eve, tempting them with her apple… but the audience is uncomfortably aware that for all of Silk’s bravado, she is destined for a fall and will soon be cast out of Eden. The film’s narrator, an arthouse director named Abraham (Emraan Hashmi) who is the first to slam Silk as a lewd gimmick, warns us with almost a glee that Silk’s life is going nowhere good.

The Dirty Picture could certainly stand to delve deeper into the overall theme of women being exploited for their sexuality and then cast aside, but it keeps its lens focused tightly on Silk’s rise and fall, painting with broad strokes her chain-smoking, her alcoholism, and the turn of her voluptuous beauty into a weight problem. The harder she tries to be the bold sex symbol who doesn’t care that she is reviled, the worse it gets for her. At one crucial point in the film, Silk notes that many men have touched her, but none have truly touched her…but that’s a self-awareness that comes far too late.

“Ishq Sufiana” — a beautiful but derivative ballad — initially feels shoehorned into the film’s last act for the sake of adding another song on the soundtrack, but in retrospect there’s a bittersweet message encapsulated in the stylized dream sequence. In his own way, the obsessed Abraham idealizes Silk. Not as a sex object, but as his naika, the heroine of his personal picture. Once he accepts she’s not his enemy, he, too, falls into a trap of not really seeing beyond the facade. In “Ishq Sufiana,” Silk is beautiful, slender, untouched by the grit of her real life… and both Abraham and the viewer are afforded a sudden bit of hope that she can be “saved.” Maybe these two crazy kids will make it. Maybe it’ll all work out for Silk. That makes it ultimately more devastating when Silk, clad in red like a traditional Indian bride, weds what she views as her only true salvation: death.

The real element of titular dirt in The Dirty Picture is the fact that, at the end of the day, it’s not about a sex object’s trials and tribulations; it’s a drawn-out snuff film… one that we are meant to walk away from as if it’s a masala film, with the jaunty title card going up at the end and the “Ooh La La” refrain. In the midst of processing the horror of this woman’s sad story, we’re reminded that the machine grinds on: Silk is dead, but long live Silk… there will always be another fantasy just around the corner. Fortunately, there is the reality of Vidya Balan’s mesmerizing, game-changing, performance to cling to: She spins Silk into gold.

Much of the Internet community was in an uproar today as E! “broke the news” of Kim Kardashian’s impending divorce from new husband Kris Humphries. But, realistically, their entire relationship has been manufactured for E!’s cameras. I wouldn’t be surprised if the divorce was planned from the beginning, specifically to coincide with the November Sweeps ratings period. And the hefty wedding price tag…? Likely balanced out by ad sales and sponsorships arranged by E!’s savvy marketing and sales department. I hate to pull back the curtain and point gleefully at the Wizard, but the Kardashians’ whole lives are, to some degree, scripted for the viewing public. They’re real, but they still play characters. Much like the denizens of MTV’s Laguna Beach and The Hills.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are just following in the footsteps of Lauren Conrad, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, and hanging out in good company with everybody else on an E! reality show. I can’t even begin to tell you what a guilty pleasure Dirty Soap is… in part because of how much dramatic license is being employed. I’m not remotely outraged about it; in fact, I’m completely amused and entertained. I love the show! Who am I to complain if Kelly Monaco (Sam, GH), Nadia Bjorlin (ex-Chloe, DAYS), Brandon Beemer (Owen, B&B) and their castmates want to televise a storied variation of their own lives? It’s nothing that people who watch the soaps haven’t been inventing on their message boards for years. The actors might as well take back a little of the narrative — and they’re shining a spotlight on daytime while they’re at it!

Let’s face it: Challenge-based shows like Survivor are few and far between. Gone are the days of The Real World season one, where a group of people moved in together to “find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.” Subsequent seasons of that series became less and less real, casting “characters” rather than people and engineering storylines like a team of soap head writers. Kim Kardashian and the like are just the latest incarnation of the concept — with a financial haul that keeps E! in the black.

The only thing that makes me see red is that this faux reality craze is undercutting the demand for true serial drama. Keeping up with a couple Kardashians shouldn’t erase the joys of hanging out with your Brothers and Sisters and All My Children!

IPKKND debuted in June and has already run for 100 episodes. The Hindi sudser centers around the lives of rich, arrogant, Mr. Darcy-esque Arnav Singh Raizada (Barun Sobti), adorkable working class Khushi (Sanaya Irani) and their loved ones. Much like U.S. soaps, there are common themes of family, business, romance, forbidden love and even bigamy! Indicative of the modern direction of Indian soaps (and the society they reflect) the premise of IPKKND is that Arnav’s former employee, Khushi, has been brought in to “train” his live-in girlfriend Lavanya to be more traditional. Of course, in the process of Khushi guiding and championing Lavanya, she and Arnav have developed quite the attraction. While they try to stifle the sparks, they constantly clash over his cynical view of the world and her passion for standing up for what you believe in.

What I love about IPKKND (besides, well, everything) is how it’s the perfect, traditional soap opera. It’s a visual delight: with gorgeous outfits, a clean set design and colors that just pop. It’s not just full of high drama and romantic tension, there’s a big comedic streak! Arnav has a really dry wit, and wacky things like Khushi falling into the trunk of his car, or becoming tangled in ropes of twinkle lights, constantly balance out all the heavy will they?/won’t they? moments. Khushi even has classic fantasy sequences!

Another thing that’s really stand-out for me is how the women are not in competition with each other. Khushi and Lavanya (right) have grown very close. Arnav’s sister, Anjali (center), and Khushi’s sister, Payal, round off a lovely galpal quartet. Of course, drama looms on the horizon! Khushi’s family wants to her marry Shyam, a (decidedly squirrelly!) young man they’ve taken in. Little do they know that Shyam is already married — to Anjali! The manipulative fortune hunter wed Anjali for her money and is now looking to sweet little Khushi to satisfy his lusts! Gasp. After Khushi’s adoptive father, Shashi, discovered the truth, he had a traumatic health episode. Shyam withheld his medication in vintage GH’s Tracy Quartermaine style. Poor Shashi is now bedridden and unable to speak (of course!).

IPKKND itself does a lot of storytelling with things unspoken. Because outright declarations of love are impossible for Khushi and Arnav, and passion-fueled make-out sessions are still not the norm on Indian TV, they do a lot of communicating with long, meaningful stares. Irani and Sobti, like so many of their soap and cinema colleagues, have mastered the art of turning the locking of eyes into a love scene. And anytime their characters do touch, it’s as electric as if they were getting busy to a wailing saxophone.

I don’t know what we should name this love, but I definitely call Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon good soap!

-Westley, THE PRINCESS BRIDE

“That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying ‘As you wish,’ what he meant was, ‘I love you.’ “
–The Princess Bride

Those three little words are great and all, but some of my favorite romantic moments involve fictional characters expressing their feelings without actually saying them! Whether it’s a look, a touch or an exasperated lecture some pairs get those messy, wonderful, emotions across with more than just the basic brass tacks of a traditional declaration.

So, without further ado, here are five “As You Wish”-style scenes that never fail to get to me!

1. Criminal Minds‘ Morgan (Shemar Moore) is driving an ambulance rigged to explode, as his best friend Garcia (Kirsten Vangsness) is forced to listen: www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4vRHeRHZsE The sheer relief from both of them after he survives the explosion is what’s truly incendiary, and I don’t know if there’s a more stunning declaration of love than “you are my God-given solace.” These two have been friends-who-flirt for ages, but it was this scene that underscored how much deeper their bond really is.

2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s Spike (James Marsters) seeing Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) alive for the first time after her death at the end of season five said it all, but then he followed it up by remembering how he couldn’t keep her from sacrificing herself: www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4Fg6jvof0o “Every night, I save you,” to me, is shorthand for how moving and effective their dyfunctional frenemy relationship could have been if the rest of season six hadn’t torpedoed it.

3. Pushed to the limit, Chasing Liberty‘s Ben (Matthew Goode) tells Anna (Mandy Moore) how he really feels after following her all over Europe: www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_yiM69u5kI This is one of my favorite romantic comedies, and the build of Ben and Anna’s relationship is so much fun because you get to watch by-the-book Ben grow increasingly more befuddled by spoiled free spirit Anna. So, when he finally busts out with how he’s “un-bloody-hinged” just being near her, you believe it.

4. Doctor Who‘s Tenth Doctor (David Tennant) and his Companion, Rose (Billie Piper) are devastated when Rose gets trapped in an alternate universe. Or, as I like to call it, “Best Use of Wall In a Drama Series”: www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uv9I08kvzM Doctor Who has a long and storied history, and bringing in a romantic element is a constant source of fannish drama. But Rose, the Doctor’s first Companion after the show’s reboot, certainly had a significant impact. For me, this scene encapsulated how much they came to mean to each other: Even as a wall separates them, their own walls have been torn down.

5. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai‘s Rahul (Shahrukh Khan) promised his dying wife he would never shed another tear, but when his true love, Anjali (Kajol), is set to marry another, he can’t help but cry. www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJL11o-BSlg (This clip cuts out how Anjali’s self-sacrificing fiancé calls off the wedding.) Men in Indian cinema are never afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves. Shahrukh Khan’s expressive abilities in particular are famous the world over — he even parodied his penchant for melodrama in his film Om Shanti Om — but Rahul’s anguish in KKHH holds a special place in my heart, because he and Anjali speak volumes without words.

What are some of your favorite nontraditional “I love you”s?

-THE CW

The CW’s Hart of Dixie is not jaw-droppingly brilliant TV, and it’s not some seminal literary work about the American South. It’s not Faulkner, it’s not Flannery O’Connor. It’s not Tennessee Williams. Heck, it’s not even Alexandra Ripley’s sanctioned Gone With The Wind fan fiction, Scarlett. There are more corny stereotypes than you can shake a stick at, and Jaime King‘s unfortunately (but accurately) named Lemon frequently looks like she wandered off the cover of a Civil War-era romance novel. But for all the elements it’s weak in, HoD has oodles of (to indulge the cliché) heart. And that’s something sorely lacking in the other new CW show I’ve been sucked into watching, Ringer.

Though both HoD and Ringer are shot in LA instead of their respective small town Alabama and New York City settings, the two series couldn’t be more different in tone. Maybe it’s the residual vibe from the Gilmore Girls‘ Star’s Hollow set that HoD is using, but there’s a warmth in every frame. Contrast that to the cold, distancing, almost alien mise-en-scene of Ringer. And both shows boast fantastic, talented, casts… but the characters are on different planets.

- ART STREIBER/THE CW

I don’t need perfection or sainthood from my protagonists — you don’t have to be likable, just interesting — but I do need rooting value. I don’t like watching shows where everybody’s a jerk of some sort. I get enough of that in real life. (Hell, I am enough of that in real life.) And six episodes into its run, Ringer comprises a bunch of deceitful people with no discernible moral throughline. Central character Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar) is on the run from the law and faking a pregnancy, while presumably sleeping with a man who doesn’t know who she really is. Said man, Andrew (Ioan Gruffudd), is perhaps the show’s most appealing character, but he has a controlling streak that’s definitely icky. The other male lead, Henry (Kristoffer Polaha) is a spineless weasel and a cheater. I like “Agent Guyliner,” Victor Machado (Nestor Carbonell), but he’s hamstrung by being everywhere except in the loop and, thus, comes off as inept.

-MICHAEL YARISH/THE CW

That’s not to say that HoD‘s characters are nuanced bastions of writerly genius. Fish out of water, former football player, Southern bellezilla, bad boy with a heart of gold… the archetypes are definitely painted with broad strokes. But those strokes are soft; they’re loving and gentle and fun. Rachel Bilson‘s Zoe comes off as an elitist brat in the pilot, but as the show unfolds, she’s emerged as dorky, vulnerable and endearing. Cress Williams‘ Lavon Hayes talks about himself in the third person and owns an alligator named Burt Reynolds, but there’s a wink and a smile to it all and a depth beneath it. “Bad boy” Wade (Wilson Bethel) is anything but: He’s sweet, funny, and a little naughty — the kind of guy who’d be a hero in a contemporary romance. Even caricature Lemon shows cracks in her façade, longing for Lavon while trying to remain Hell’s Belle. There’s a human quality to these characters, an emotional authenticity that has nothing to do with rifle racks and gators and gumbo cook-offs.

I know I said I don’t need characters to be likable, but I do want to care about them. That’s what keeps me coming back to a show. And, so far, Hart of Dixie pulses with life and laughter while Ringer… rings hollow.

The rest of the TV viewing universe may think Ryan Murphy Glee-fully cornered the market on visible gay youth, but soap fans know that our genre has been trailblazing in this department for years. Another Ryan, Ryan Phillippe, played Billy Douglas on OLTL from 1992-93. And remember AMC’s sweet Kevin Sheffield (Ben Jorgensen)? Then, of course, there was Bianca Montgomery (Eden Riegel), who rocked both daytime and her legendary mama Erica Kane when she came out in 2000. Six years later, ATWT’s Luke Snyder (Van Hansis) came out to his family and a year after that, he helped the coming out process of another boy, Noah Mayer (Jake Silbermann). Daytime has consistently given gay teens a voice, without resorting to song and dance routines and landing on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Now, Days of our Lives, oft considered one of the most conservative sudsers, has joined the chorus.

Freddie Smith‘s out and proud Sonny Kiriakis, the young scion of one of DAYS’ most notorious families, breezed into Salem earlier this year. When most TV shows are still telling formulaic coming out stories, it’s kind of refreshing to have Sonny join the canvas without the requisite angst of such a tale. Most LGBT narratives seemed designed for maximum suffering: as if a character must jump hurdle after hurdle just to be allowed to be. But Sonny, a sports enthusiast, came to Salem having already scaled mountains. His parents, veteran characters Justin and Adrienne, are textbook PFLAG parents, completely supportive, and his cantankerous great-uncle Victor also surprised viewers by responding positively. Of course, because it is a soap, and because people do still need to have their eyes opened, the “teaching moments” are still a huge part of the story. Sonny is definitely a mouthpiece for a message of tolerance. There was an obligatory homophobia arc, and Sonny still spouts educational platitudes that are directly aimed at the audience. (I long for the day when telling a LGBT story doesn’t require such hand-holding.) But there’s an ease to Smith’s line delivery that softens the blow of the 2×4 upside the head. He’s so self-assured that when he’s stumping for acceptance it’s usually with a smile and a shrug.

This takedown of homophobic teen T features Sonny’s trademark wit and the strength of his convictions, as well as Uncle Vic’s badassery. And that’s how the characters roll: delivering life lessons and laughs in turns.

Sonny: Hey, you get me until I find a guy as cute as you. But then you’re on your own.
Melanie: Is it hard?
Sonny: What? What, being gay, or being gay in Salem? ‘Cause those are two totally different things.
Melanie: How?
Sonny: I’m cool with who I am. So are most of the people I know. But if I were to bring someone around, that’s when I have to start being more careful. I have to be aware of who’s around me because if I want to put my arm around him… there’s just always someone who’s not gonna like it. And they’re not afraid to say it, either.
Melanie: I’m sorry. That sucks.
Sonny: No, don’t be. I mean, I’m not. Like, I’m glad that I’m out. That’s what people don’t understand is that… being gay is a small part of who I am. And if you’re looking for someone to feel sorry for, it’s for those people who don’t get that.

DAYS has made sure that Sonny’s message is right on target. Despite the PSA moments, he’s like every other teen/20-something character on daytime: charming, funny, and looking for love. He’s been fully integrated into the core group of “kids,” and not trapped on the dreaded Gay Storyline Island. He’s a son, a cousin, a friend, one of three guys involved in a Social Network-esque story arc, etc. He’s a gay character cut from a portion of the same cloth as OLTL’s Kyle Lewis and ATWT’s Reid Oliver — and it’s nice to have that quality in a younger role, avoiding the constant drama that was Luke Snyder’s run on ATWT. I mean, Sonny’s more centered and well-adjusted than most of the straight characters in Salem…and we need more of that on our TV screens!

Coming out stories are important, and books, TV shows and movies should absolutely still be telling them. There is no denying that. But it’s equally important to show what happens after…to have characters who are living proof that “it gets better.” DAYS is, by all accounts, gearing up to tell the story of Will Horton’s struggle with his sexual identity…and I think it’s absolutely great that they’ve laid the foundation with Sonny, who has been there and done that and can now act as the Yoda to Will’s Luke Skywalker. And they’re not alone. They have a whole community of friends their own age, plus open-minded adults, surrounding them. That bodes well for Salem’s LGBT forecast.

With winter right around the corner, Sonny has brought a much-needed warmth to DAYS. Here’s hoping that he keeps shining!

Unless you count the zillion times a day, every day, five days a week, I had to watch commercials for The Chew. Because if you count that, then a zillion times a day, every day, five days a week, I’ve felt like throwing something at my TV screen… and I’m far from the only person who’s had that knee-jerk reaction.

Look, I don’t begrudge a network its replacement programming. You gotta what you gotta do. You can’t have static for an hour — though, as far as I’m concerned, that’s exactly what ABC is putting on in place of AMC. What I take issue with is that soap fans have had to sit through a three-hour bloc peppered with ads for The Chew every day for months. It’s been relentless! It’s like bringing the hot new girlfriend to your wife’s funeral… heck, it’s like bringing the new girlfriend into the ICU when your wife is still trying to rally! Even today viewers aren’t being spared. Why?

Does someone somewhere really think soap viewers are going to respond positively to tips about small shrimp and dish towels when all they want is a little more time with their soap? Advertise it in primetime and on cable and on the Internet all you want, but don’t kick soap fans where they live when they’re already down! And where are the “Tune in for the last week of AMC” commercials? If we had an equal amount of those maybe the constant barrage of The Chew commercials wouldn’t be so bad. But it’s like The Chew exists in a vacuum: “Lalalala, check out our new show that’s not replacing a beloved veteran TV show, wheeee!” To me, that just doesn’t make sense, and it comes off as needlessly clueless and insensitive.

AMC is a show that dealt with abortion, the Vietnam War, interracial marriage, LGBT rights and countless other ground-breaking, heartfelt issues. Whether or not it finds new life on the Internet, its life on our televisions is experiencing closure today. Couldn’t the show’s fans have a little closure, too… without being Chew-ed up and swallowed?

The flavor I actually tried!

First, the upbeat example: Chobani, which I tweeted about this morning.

@badnecklace Having Chobani Greek yogurt for breakfast instead of Fage. I wanted the Blackie Parrish yogurt but they didn’t have any. #freeblackieparrish
@Chobani: What do ya think?
@badnecklace Jury’s out about the fruit on the bottom, but the yogurt is smooth and delicious! RT @Chobani What do ya think?

I was so tickled by the simple question that I responded honestly, with an RT so my followers could see the exchange!

Less delightful, and more of a head-scratcher, was my Aug. 20 trip to the movie theater to see Fright Night. During the “AMC First Look” portion of the previews, we got a glimpse at the upcoming remake of Sam Peckinpah’s Straw Dogs. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen this particular bit, so I felt pretty comfortable tweeting my thoughts (I swear I’m not one of those people who uses their phone during movies — the lights were still on!).

@badnecklace STRAW DOGS looks awful. And I’m not just talking about James Marsden’s hair.

Not ten minutes later, when the lights actually were off for the previews, my phone buzzed…

@RodLurie Hey, Mala- I’m the writer/director. Do me a favor and give it a shot- then tweet me what u think. I think you’ll like it.
@badnecklace We’ll see, Rod. Good luck with the release!

Hey, I wasn’t about to a) apologize for being honest or b) promise to watch the film. So, after giving my phone the side-eye and cracking up to my friend, I shrugged and settled in to watch Fright Night. Sunday morning, I decided to look up Rod Lurie’s Twitter. It was no surprise at all to learn that I wasn’t the only lucky user he’d implored to see his film! Apparently, he has alerts set up for the film title and is systematically telling anyone who tweets the words that he’s the writer/director and they should check it out. Putting aside the fact that creator-fan interaction is rarely a good idea in general, what does using Twitter like a door-to-door salesman really accomplish? It certainly doesn’t entice someone like me to check out your product. If anything, it just makes me laugh. I wasn’t going to see Straw Dogs before, but I’m definitely not seeing it now.

It’s the same instant turn-off when a fledgling author Twitter-spams people to buy their new book — you check out their profile page only to see the exact same message over and over again — or when someone tacks their Web site address or newest title onto the end of every tweet. How is that appealing? It’s poor marketing, because it comes off as desperation or pushiness — or a combination of both. People don’t like to be told what to click, what to watch, what to do — and they like being spammed even less. It’s bound to backfire.

Counter that with Chobani’s approach: short, sweet and non-intrusive. They didn’t say, “Eat more of our stuff” and, by virtue of that, have made sure that I most certainly will!